To My Littlest Beanlet

(This is not a craft related post, so if that bugs you.. skip this.)

For the third time since I married your father, I pee’d on the stick. It was positive. I pee’d on another one. That one was positive too. I shook. I cried. I sulked, bargained, and finally sighed and gave in. You were on your way. I toyed with the idea of not having you. Eventually I abandoned those thoughts and accepted my fate.

I was so ready. So ready to potty-train your brother and send his happy butt to school. Your big sister was already in school. Mommy could once again know silence during daylight hours for longer than a ‘naptime’. I was so ready to delve into real full-time work, or perhaps go back to school. But alas, that was not to be.

I wasn’t enthused. I dealt, and just accepted, but NO ONE was going to force me to be happy.
“…but you’ve got two already, what’s one more!?”, they said.

Fast-forward 9 months. At 11:04am you came into the world. Hollering. Louder than both your siblings. I knew you were special then.

But you were special in so many ways. You’re the only one that looks like me. After all that hard work of pregnancy I could at LEAST have a child that looked like me. All my cousins, and your Uncle said, “That’s you all over again!”. “She look(sic) just LIKE you!”. “Yep, there goes little(me)!”.

I began to ease into newborn-mode again. It’s not like I could sleep all night before. You moved around in my belly more than your brother and sister. I could set my clock by you. Up in the morning, nap in the afternoon, wake up after dinner, up allllllllllll night. Nap for a minute at dawn. Wash Rinse Repeat.

Then I came home with you, after a long, tiring stay at the hospital where you were born. You slept a lot at first, the jaundice making you sleepy. But then you snapped out of it and I was in for it! You kept me on my toes for sure.

Time moved on. You sat up, rolled over, and crawled in your own way. One day(When Uncle came by and you met him for the first time), you just got up and walked. Of course, when you saw that I was looking you sat down again. That’s ok. I think I have that on tape. (Or was that your brother? My brain is mush).

Fast-forward to last Tuesday. You turned 4. Four!. It seemed like just the other day you were wrapped up in a summer blanket, cuddled in Daddy’s arms as we brought you home, him beaming, and me limping( damned C-sections!). And now you’re ready for school.

Soooo many times you’d break something, get into something, make a mess after I’d just cleaned. Sooo many times you didn’t want to go to sleep, you didn’t want to take a nap, you didn’t want to eat, you didn’t want to walk while traveling. And all I could think was, ‘I can’t wait until you go to SCHOOL!’.

Well today, that dream has come true. And I’m not so sure about it. I mean, Yes, eventually silence will reign supreme once again(except for those DANG Parakeets!), but I can’t shake how little you is getting on that big ole’ bus and going so far away. Ok, it’s not REALLY far but big brother and big sister are just going down the road. Why’d you have to be so special that your zoned school can’t handle you? LOL

My hopes and dreams are in you. And they’re about to be carted off to a place where you can share your hopes and dreams with others. At the same time I sigh with relief that the last child is on her way into the big-kid world, my heart breaks that I couldn’t be with you on your journey.

You’re growing up, SugarBoogers. Just don’t forget how much I love you.